Saturday, November 28, 2009

Somene Buy Netflix A Dictionary For Christmas

Sure you're out there living your life and being debauched on Friday night at 1:30 AM and I'm at home on Netflix. But fuck it, it's the day after Thanksgiving and I spent all day traveling. Plus, I know you wouldn't see the meaning of a word get stretched well beyond its capacity for meaning out at P.J O'Drunkistan's.


Do they kill Kevin James in Paul Blart?

Friday, November 27, 2009


Stocks and commodities dropped, Treasuries jumped and credit default swaps climbed after Dubai’s attempt to reschedule its debt rattled investors. The dollar briefly fell below 85 yen, a 14-year low, prompting speculation Japan will intervene.


Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Twee Nazis Fuck Off

It could just be the fact that this plays every single time I'm watching the Hulu, but seriously Google, what the fuck is up with this ad?

Shit, isn't this supposed to be a forward looking company? And yet here I am stuck seeing this oh-so-precious commercial over and over again like it's 2004 and Zach Braff is still a bankable movie star. My web browser may somehow eventually turn me into a furry, but better that than some asshole that goes to a rock and roll show and orders tea. I've seen it! In person!

Free ad advice for Google: catch the wave of doom and anarchy before it crests and probably takes civilization with it. Death metal for every ad.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I Want To Know What The Lost Generation Thinks

I have no problem with Veterans Day, even though as a civilian I'm basically totally removed from it, just like any other military related event in The Nads. On the other hand, I have a ton of beef with a poorly thought out puff piece that may have trouble getting into the Long Beach Herald appearing on a major news website. ABC News, why must you break my heart?

For generations, Veterans Day was all about old men, and of course, the members of their generation who never got to be old men.

These days, it's a different story.

Tuesday night, as men and women of the 1st Cavalry returned from Iraq, the pictures were every bit as poignant as those black and white images of GIs coming home from wars past. This week, President Obama invited a more explicit comparison between the current conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan and the great wars of the 20th century.


"We don't need to look in the past for our heroism, we have all created our own name for the newer generation of the Army," said Spc. Jessica Duggan.

But what about the greatest generation?

Ugggggggggh. It's been eleven years since Tom Brokaw's sloppy blowjob to his parents and for some reason we keep rewinding back to the money shot. How about who gives a shit what the Greatest Generation thinks? I love my grandparents and know they had it hard, but I don't exactly see whatever the fuck we're called having it very easy either.

Like they had it so hard. In the 30s and 40s you could go hobo around at farms or build a tank or kill some Nazis. Yeah we've got iPhones and DVRs but how is our economy not any more fucked? No one builds cars here anymore and all our food comes from south of the equator. The only work we have is in grocery stores and bars. We barely even have newspapers anymore! Shit, the only thing that was making money in The Nads was creepy, quasi-legal debt swaps and when that predictably exploded, it almost took down every bank in the goddamn world. And even then the only thing that saved us was dumping money into them. Money that, judging by the double digit unemployment rate, would probably have been better served being set on fire in a field in the Midwest.

Plus our wars are the fucking worst. Everyone who fights in them is coming back with PTSD because they have to blow away little brown kids which sounds awesome to them in abstract but then when you've got a little Hamid's eye goop all over your feet and haunting your dreams you eventually start drinking wayyyyy too much. And. And! No one gives a shit about our troops overseas or our returning veterans. Motherfuckers in Congress couldn't even get their shit together to update the G.I. Bill for troops in Afghanistan and Iraq until 2008. And even then people worried it might encourage people to leave the military for a career that doesn't involve your car driving over IEDs. Yeah, who would want that?

The only thing the Greatest Generation had that was better than us was Father Charles Coughlin. Sure he was a treasonous anti-semite, but unlike Glenn Beck, he was upfront about it.

In conclusion, fuck you ABC News for not realizing our suffering is also terrible.

All Hail Titan Maximum

It seemed like a terrible idea: a parody of Japanese giant robot shows from the creative geniuses team behind Robot Chicken. Not that Robot Chicken is a bad show, but it gets tiresome after too long and the possibility of seeing two stop motion pop-culture fixated shows run on Adult Swim seemed a bit much. Then I actually watched Titan Maximum.

Without a doubt, the most surprising element of the show is its reliance on character gags and the serialized nature of its plot. For the uninitiated, a quick plot overview: the dysfunctional goons piloting enormous military robot Titan Maximum are forced to deal with the implications of their former (and smartest) teammate, Gibbs, deciding universal domination is more fun than being a good guy. Like any good giant robot show, each episode eventually devolves into two robots punching the shit out of each other, but bad guy being out of reach.

Much of the humor comes from the fact that the show is eager to do away with the archetypal noble heroes of the Japanese mecha and replace them with a crew of bickering famewhores and self-righteous jagoffs. It's a brilliant conceit for an American audience used to its celebrities self-destructing in spectacular ways. And make no mistake, even when we've advanced to the point of colonizing the solar system, all of our selfish impulses to be celebrities will still be around. Maybe even more so, considering the ego it must take to pilot a giant robot with a laser sword. I mean, really, isn't obvious that this would happen if humanity built a giant robot? And yes, that includes the ska music.

Titan Maximum isn't without it's flaws, including an over-reliance on dick jokes, it's strange fixation on punishing about the only competent member of the team; Jodi Yanarella; throwing her into bed with Gibbs and then broadcasting it to the solar system and the fact that the team members seem to hate each other to the point where it seems impossible to believe they could get anything done.

With two episodes left in its inaugural season though, the show has shown an enormous amount of promise, and if given the chance can probably flesh out the characters a bit more and get off it's crutch of dick jokes. Seriously, dick jokes are funny, but I think I counted one in almost every scene of the newest episode.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Maybe They Can Settle For A Gwen Stefani NPC in World of Warcraft

From the A.V. Club Newswire comes the news, that Kurt Cobain can be a trendsetter even from beyond the grave. Take it away Billboard!

No Doubt has sued video game publisher Activision Blizzard Inc over the use of their likeness on its new "Band Hero" product, accusing the company of turning the rockers into a virtual karaoke act.

No Doubt and Activision had a contract allowing the company to use the band members in the game, but Activision, which is based in Santa Monica, California, went beyond the agreement by allowing gamers to use avatars of the band performing songs from other rock groups, the lawsuit states.


In one instance of how "Band Hero" allows for unauthorized use of No Doubt's likeness, a feature on the game has the band's Gwen Stefani singing Rolling Stones song "Honky Tonk Women," the band's lawsuit states.

The feature "results in an unauthorized performance by the Gwen Stefani avatar in a male voice boasting about having sex with prostitutes," the lawsuit states.

Yes, I can just see it now. Johnny and Sally and their other stereotypically named friends will be playing Band Hero when Mom walks in with a tray of cookies and sees them playing "Honky Tonk Women" with a Gwen Stefani avatar. "Oh my goodness gracious!" she'll exclaim. "I was unaware Gwen Stefani consorted with prostitutes." "Shut up, Mom!" Johnny will shout and then she'll leave the room and wonder who Gwen Stefani is because she's old.

Anyway, there are much worse things than Gwen Stefani being associated with having sex with hookers. There is, for instance, Rock Steady. Just because I took that album out of the library doesn't mean I don't deserve my money back.

Catfight Smackdown at Double X

No, we're not being sexist here, because this is too awesome for casual sexism. Double X, the Slate spin-off for ladies with vaginas (vaginae?) and their issues had a good old fashioned blog fight courtesy of Rachel Latimore's idiocy.

Latimore tried a quick, three paragraph drive-by on Planned Parenthood by highlighting the case of Abby Johnson, the former director of a Planned Parenthood in Bryan, Texas. In those paragraphs, Latimore makes vague and out loud ininuations that PP is pushing abortion to make those dollars and is thrilled my Johnson's sudden, Juno-like turnaround after looking at a picture from an ultrasound. Then she asks what NEFARIOUS SECRETS Planned Parenthood could be hiding, because why else would they, a culturally divisive organization file a restraining order against a former employee in a Red State who sounds like she got a touch of the crazy?

Thankfully, Amanda Marcotte was there to point out that essentially, Latimore was lazy and full of shit. Had she actually read the restraining order, she could have seen Johnson was apparently digging through and maybe stealing patient and doctor information to give to the pro-life group she's now affiliated with. Also that it's not like every other abortion provider in the world has just decided to not look at pictures of ultrasounds for fear of realizing they're baby killers. And let's not forget the fact that Johnson was also making allusions to "something big" happening at the clinic. Totally normal thing to tell your co-workers who you're on strained terms with. Anything else? Oh right, this bitchin' paragraph shredding the "Planned Parenthood is in the abortion business" charge:

As you allowed, Planned Parenthood probably does more to prevent abortion than any anti-choice organization on the planet. There's no reason to think that Planned Parenthood's small increase (5 percent) in the number of abortion performed is any evidence against this. Planned Parenthood has always come through when women couldn't find necessary services elsewhere, or at the right price. The growing number of women without health insurance every year alone would account for this, since Planned Parenthood specializes in helping the uninsured. But also, the growing number of threats—and of course, the actual murder—against doctors means it's that much harder for women to find a provider in the area, and Planned Parenthood is picking up the overflow. Instead of seeing this as ominous, I see it as further evidence that they are a brave group of people who deserve support, not weird speculation over motives.

To her credit, Lattimore didn't just turn and run in the face of such a smackdown, but she didn't save much face, continuing to harp on the "Planned Parenthood's business model is more abortions" charge and asking us to believe in the reasonableness of a Texas pro-life group and asking us all to just be patient while the truth comes out. The truth that will surely be that Planned Parenthood is doing all the abortions everywhere, just like Rachel Lattimore said.

Not That This Is An Omen Or Anything

I'm not saying it means anything that the first time I ever saw a C train break down at Broadway Junction was the day after Mike Bloomberg got re-elected, but I'm not saying it doesn't mean anything either.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I Really Shouldn't Laugh At This But I Will Anyway

About a month ago or so, I received an invitation from a party promoting company telling me how much fun I could have at a party at Tavern on the Green but that I would have to dres to impress. I guess whoever sent it didn't realize I listen to Animal Collective and was wearing shoes with the soles worn down so far I was getting my feet wet when it rained. I kept the flyer for a little while because it was hilarious and I wondered what kind of future the Tavern on the Green had.

Question answered after a bunch of Bobby Bottleservice types rioted on Halloween because they got shut out of their Tavern on the Green party. Even better, it was apparently because the promoters perpetuated a massive fraud. No, seriously. Newsday, take it away:

Paparo, who estimated she spent $400 on the entire evening, arrived with her friends at 11 p.m. to find the entrance to Tavern on the Green mobbed with thousands of costumed people.

"We waited on the line for two hours in the rain before we even got near [the entrance]," said Paparo, 30, who works at a law firm. It was then that the party turned chaotic, with bouncers unable to handle the expanding crowd. "Tables were being turned over, people were throwing chairs. Bouncers were screaming and cursing at people to get out," Paparo said.

Jennifer Colwell was at the front of the line when the party began to unravel. "It reached the point that I said 'This is scary.' I didn't even want to get in, I just wanted to get out," said Colwell, 40, a legal assistant from Seaford who was at the party with friends.

New York City Police were called to the scene when traffic on Central Park West was being disrupted by the growing line of people leading to the party, according to an NYPD spokesman.


Tavern on the Green said in a telephone message Monday that the restaurant contracted the party to Alex and Leo Promotions for 2,000 people, but that the promoters sold more than 5,000 tickets for the party. A promoter who sold tickets to the event and who didn't want to be identified, said Alex and Leo Promotions "didn't have a limit [on tickets]. Every time they got more money from us, they released more tickets."

I mean, maybe if I was the type of person who was willing to pay one hundred and thirty dollars to get into a party I might see this as a grave injustice, but I'm not so I won't. Truth be told, I don't really get bottle service, at least if you're a plebe. I understand you want to drink a lot at the bar, but even at five dollars a shot and a dollar for a tip, you're getting twenty shots of some kinda liquor. And let's be honest, you don't really need that, theoretical party person, because at about half that number you'll probably black out and make some horrendous (and sexy) decision that results in you walking back to the subway in your sexy (and horrendous) Halloween costume.

Favorite quote of the story? It has to be this one:

"He told me the VIP tickets would entitle me to a table for all my friends," says Paparo, "We could get any . . . bottle we would want - Grey Goose, Patron, anything."

Ten internets to the person who can actually fill in the ellipsis with the dirty word. Fucking? Fuckin'? Goddamn? Damn? The possibilities are kind of limited!

There are heroes in this story and their names are Alex and Leo Baskin. These modern day P.T Barnums saw the market available for people who wanted to pretend to be exclusive celebrities and bled it of everything they could walk away with. Ice cold Miller High Lifes for you, gentlemen!