Sunday, April 12, 2009

Maureen Dowd Makes Me Do The Facepalm

(This is me when I read Maureen Dowd. Bald head and all.)

Oh hey guys, Maureen Dowd wrote a terrible new column and if you're reading this you'll now be forced to read it.

California’s having an identity crisis.

Once the West Coast glowed with prosperity and was the harbinger of hip new things. Now it’s in the grip of recession and repression. California’s cool has been stolen by, of all places, Iowa.

White-bread, cornfed, understated Iowa was the first state to ratify the black rookie Barack Obama and has usurped the role everyone thought California would play as a leader in the fight to give gays the right to marry.

Now it’s flyover country that’s starting high-flying trends.

The mayor of Des Moines, Frank Cownie, called the San Francisco mayor, Gavin Newsom, to leave him a message about the Iowa Supreme Court decision.

“That caught me, candidly, by surprise, proverbially flat-footed,” Newsom said in an interview at City Hall. “It was around April 1st, so I thought, honestly, it was an April Fool’s joke.”

OK, first of all, something tells me that Iowa has the recession too. State legislators may not be selling blood to help close the budget gap in Iowa, but that that doesn't mean they're popping champagne and dumping it on video hos either. And duh, of course Iowa gave Barack Obama his first win, it was the first primary of 2008.

Most important though is the fact that gays were allowed to marry in California long before Maureen Dowd even had the idea to write this incredibly poor opening thesis to her column. Which, I may remind you all runs in the Sunday New York Times, a rather prestigious place. Come on Maureen Dowd, did you not know the California Supreme Court allowed gay marriage in 2008, or did you just willfully ignore it? And for that matter, where's your evidence that the people of Iowa wouldn't overturn their own court decision if given a ballot referendum and wouldn't do so in even greater numbers than in Cali?

Max Mutchnick, the co-creator of “Will and Grace,” who married the entertainment lawyer Erik Hyman in Beverly Hills just days before Proposition 8 passed last November — theirs is among the 18,000 or so marriages now in legal limbo — was tickled by the idea of Iowa as the new California. “Will we see David Geffen rollerblading in the Des Moines skywalk?” Mutchnick mused. “Will paparazzi chase after farmers looking for candid shots? Will Ashton and Demi be BlackBerrying friends from their corner table at Applebee’s? Will there be a new line of Kiehl’s products for goats?”

Oh fuck, thanks for that because it's not like Midwesterners already think people on the coasts don't take them seriously. I mean, isn't it like so droll that those plebes eat at Applebee's*? And what's with them and goats? Oh those little people. Maureen Dowd, you play shitty fucking defense for the liberal media conspiracy to make the coastal elites look good and I would say you should be fired but you provide too much good material.

(*Editor's note: Of course Applebee's fucking sucks, just like T.G.I. Friday's and Ruby Tuesday and Queso de Monday's. But how does it help to court Iowa to do anything when you're giving them backhanded compliments?)

Thursday, April 9, 2009

It's Either Time To Quit Doing Drugs, Or Do More Of Them

I don't mean for this to become some kind of Videogum link dump, but this is definitely the best video on the internet. Ever. "Boom Goes The Dynamite" has been replaced. Salvia. On daytime television. Being smoked.

Sorry, I'm just having a hard time using my words here in between all the laughing. You think there's some snot-nosed little Students Against Destructive Decisions president out there who got to tell the producer that 1 in 2 kids gets high? Roffle. Even the government doesn't tell people that 1 in 2 kids get high. Christ, they'd be shooting junkies in the street if that were the case.

Nothing however can beat the "lead the stoned guy out on a leash" segment. I mean, whenever I get stoned, I make sure to bring my sober friend along so he can keep me from scampering away and sniffing other stoned people's butts or getting hit by a car.

Srsly The Doctors, keep up the good fight. Because if you don't bring stoned people on leashes in front of a live studio audience, no one will.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

For A Second There I Was Worried They Were Going To Leave Out "I Like To Move It Move It"

I have nightmares when I go to sleep. Not like, night terrors or anything like that, but generally I have very unpleasant dreams. I wonder if it's because I have an uncomfortable place to sleep or maybe it's because I get super high every night before I go to bed. Whatever it is, I always wake up with this sense of dread because of the blurry visions of terror running through my subconscious every night. And now science and the internet and Videogum have allowed me to share these nightmares with you.

So next time you see me and I look tired or worn down, you'll know why.