Saturday, February 28, 2009

That's Quite Enough From You, Clint Eastwood

You know what would be funny? If we all got together and told jokes about how every Clint Eastwood movie is insured against him falling down and breaking his hip. Because he is old, get it? HAHA, stereotypes!

Seriously Clint Eastwood, it was bad enough when you (a rich, spoiled Hollywood actor) were busy telling everyone my age that we're a generation of pussies. Fuck, let's just ignore that whole thing and the fact that you said it to Esquire magazine of all places and let's focus on the latest dementia-spawned rambling to come up through your dentures (two for one):

"People have lost their sense of humour. In former times we constantly made jokes about different races. You can only tell them today with one hand over your mouth or you will be insulted as a racist," the Daily Express quoted him as saying.

"I find that ridiculous. In those earlier days every friendly clique had a 'Sam the Jew' or 'Jose the Mexican' - but we didn't think anything of it or have a racist thought. It was just normal that we made jokes based on our nationality or ethnicity. That was never a problem. I don't want to be politically correct.

Jesus, are you really talking about political correctness? Did you learn nothing from my harsh words for Facebook guy? And seriously, what the fuck are you saying there? That you and your honky friends would make fun of "Sam the Jew" and "Jose the Mexican" or that your honky friends had friends that weren't ofays? Totally confused here.

You do know that in polite company people still tease each other about ethnic differences. The only difference between now and the 1930s, where you live still, is that Bob Hope isn't making jokes about Mexicans' affinity for tequila because we understand that Mexicans drink all kinds of liquor. I mean, you can't make a cartoon about the cops shooting a monkey that kind of gets construed as the cops shooting the President, but you'd have to be an idiot (work for the New York Post) to do something like that.

You and Nick Young seem to be confused as to why people don't run down the street screaming that Jews don't tip (this used to happen). Maybe a brief history lesson will help you. See, back when you were hanging with Sam and Jose, they couldn't even get a fucking job working for AT&T, which according to my grandma had all the jobs back then. All of them. Neither, for that matter, could your friend Seamus the Mick, because WASPS ruled the world and treated it like it was one big White Dude Party (invite only, suckas). It was a little like the end of this Young Buck video where he finds the Illuminati behind a clearly marked door (around 4:30 in if you hate Young Buck and/or Pauly Shore).

Umm, anyway, the point is that once Sam and Jose and Seamus realized they were getting royally screwed, they pissed and moaned and told people to stop calling them cheap or lazy or drunk and give them jobs. So, Bob Hope and all those other guys had to stop tailoring their acts to making jokes that were at everyone's expense except for WASPS and people were happy for awhile.

Oh but wait, then political correctness died a fiery death in the late 80s and early 90s because everyone got sick of it and just started trashing each other again, but in a clever way. Jesus, Bill Maher had a show called "Politically Incorrect" and Chris Rock got famous doing a bit about black people vs. niggers and Quentin Tarantino screamed "dead nigger storage" for like, eighteen minutes during the credits of Pulp Fiction. Look it up. Of course, these people had smart and funny things to say outside of the bounds of politeness and that's why it was OK for them to do it.

But hey Clint Eastwood, don't let all that stop you from using your arthritic fingers to log on to Facebook and write a note about how you hate political correctness. I just hope your eyesight is good enough to read your keyboard (I'll stop the age jokes when I damn well please).

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Reading Rick Reilly Is Like Receiving Oral Sex From A Bag Of Glass

Rick Reilly is terrible. Not only is he terrible, he's also very, very boring (there is no metaphor about how boring he is). His milquetoast jackassery is what makes America so fucking awful. Rick Reilly will tell you Forest Gump deserved the 1995 Best Picture over Pulp Fiction because it was accessible and family friendly. Rick Reilly still thinks the Grammys matter. Rick Reilly and Mitch Albom once had a maudlin-off but the results were never found out because the judges all killed themselves and their families. Then Rick Reilly wrote a column about never giving up on your dreams even though you and your family are all tragically dead.

Now Reilly gets to write a column once a week for ESPN: The Magazine (not to be confused with ESPN: The Shouty Television Network) and gets paid something like 48,000 dollars a word to do so. His column is the usual lame-ass, back page space taker upper, the kind of thing magazines just feel compelled to do because unlike the Village Voice they can't just put ads for Asian masseurs and clinical drug tests back there. I don't know why though, because that shit would be so much better than Rick Reilly. Who is terrible.

See, now that A-Rod admitted to using steroids and everyone is generally freaking the fuck out, Rick Reilly is here to bring calm to America by...rearranging the baseball MVP awards from the last 20 years. Yep, totally makes sense.

It's been tougher than a $4.99 steak. Got chased by Dobermans eight times. Had to hire five different sticky-fingered third-graders. Broke into the wrong house twice.

You broke child labor laws. Dick.

But it's finally done. I've been able to retrieve every single MVP award that was wrongfully won by every single suspected 'roid ranger over the past 20 years. You can see them all shining on the table next to me. Got the stains off them and everything. Now I'm ready to give them to their rightful owners.

And why not? If Bud Selig can talk about giving Barry Bonds' phony-as-tofurkey home run record back to Hank Aaron, why can't we right all the wrongs of the Syringe Binge?

Yes, except that Bud Selig capitulated on that immediately, and even Hank Aaron thought it was stupid. I bet he thinks you're stupid too Rick Reilly. What a shock, by the way, that two of my most hated figures in sports share the same inability to deal with reality and things that have actually happened. The part where he calls Mike Greenwell is boring, so let's skip that, until we get to this.

(Don't feel bad for Canseco. We're replacing the award he never deserved with one he did: the 2005 Pulitzer Prize for general nonfiction. Jose, can you see how much we believe you now?)

I kind of feel like calling up Steve Coll and asking him what he thinks of Rick Reilly taking away his much deserved Pulitzer for Ghost Wars and giving it to a Jose Canseco for a book he didn't even fucking write himself.

Step up here, Mike Piazza. The late Ken Caminiti of the San Diego Padres stole your 1996 NL MVP, then admitted he was into more juice than Jack LaLanne. Yes, it's 13 years late, but the nameplate is new! And here's yours from 2001, Luis Gonzalez, after you finished behind The Barry Bonds Pharmacy. We won't even mention the home run title you would've won that year.

Oh my God a Jack LaLanne juicer joke. Reilly's jokes would get him shot in the Borscht Belt. Also, make sure to remember the Luis Gonzalez thing, because we come back to that in a moment.

Now, for the man of the night. I have a U-Haul of hardware here for Jose Alberto Pujols Alcántara of the St. Louis Cardinals. You already have two MVPs, Albert, and you're about to get three more, since Barry Bonds ripped you off worse than Bernie Madoff to win the award from 2002 to 2004. You hit .335 and averaged 41 bombs those years and yet you finished second behind the clearly creaming Bonds in '02 and '03, and third behind Bonds and Adrian Beltre in '04. We're throwing out Beltre since, while he denies ever using PEDs, he fell off the face of the planet once baseball put in stricter steroid suspensions in 2005. If he wasn't cheating, I'm the Queen Mother.

Right, we get it, you hate Barry Bonds. But that's hardly the most shocking part of this paragraph. Rick Reilly just used a major national platform to launch a totally unverified claim at Adrian Beltre, whose only crime was having a career year in a contract year. Because no one has ever done that before. What's even more bizarre is that he slanders Beltre for the same exact thing that Luis Gonzalez did (your new 2001 MVP I guess), namely, having an outlier year.

Luis Gonzalez never hit more than 30 home runs again after 2001. Hell, he never hit more than 29 home runs after that year. But we're to believe a guy in his age-33 season hit 22 more home runs than he ever had before and that isn't suspicious. However, a player who always was seen having had a ton of potential has a breakout season at age 25 and you see fit to slander him in a nationally read magazine. I won't call you the Queen Mother, I'll call you an asshole.

Speaking of letting people down, Alex Rodriguez admitted last week he cheated like a Three-Card Monte dealer from 2001 to 2003 as a Texas Ranger. He was the AL MVP in '03, stealing it from then-Toronto Blue Jay Carlos Delgado, who finished second. Just to recap: He cheated. He admitted it. He won the MVP. And yet the people who gave Rodriguez the award— the Baseball Writers' Association of America—decided last week that he could keep it. "It's [A-Rod's] award to do what he wants with," BBWAA secretary-treasurer Jack O'Connell told a reporter. "Listen, the wool was pulled over all our eyes. We had an election and those were the guys that won. The awards are theirs."

Thank God O'Connell isn't a judge. Yes, you admit you robbed the bank, but what the hell, why don't you go ahead and keep the cash? Buy yourself something nice.

Look, it's not like A-Rod had needles hanging out of his pockets for the whole season. You can't just take the award away and arbitrarily determine it goes to the guy in second place. Those games A-Rod played in? They happened. They're a matter of historical record. If we get into doing things like this all the time, the next thing you know we'll be raising Richard Nixon from the dead and announcing him as the true winner of the 1960 Presidential Election because that son of a bootlegger Kennedy stole Chicago and we'll have some kind of zombie president thing going on. History happened Rick Reilly, just fucking deal with it.

Also, I bet if Jack O'Connell was a judge, he'd tell a bank robber something like this: "You have been tried and found guilty by a jury of your peers. Your sentence will be handed down shortly." That was boring and unfunny because the law is in fact both of those things. But then Judge O'Connell would turn to Rick Reilly and say, "Mr. Reilly, you are guilty of being a terrible fucking writer and you now go to Videogum jail. Goodbye." Then a flock of specially trained pigeons would fly in the room and take Rick Reilly to jail. Bye, Rick!